I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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