got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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