Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Randomize
