You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
