doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
