I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
