Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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