Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
