last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
