I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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