I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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