my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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