he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
