Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize