And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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