guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
he just fucked me for my cheese..
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