i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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