Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
