I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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