all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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