i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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