Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
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