Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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