Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
