New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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