Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
