The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
