remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
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