I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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