Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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