I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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