found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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