I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
you would pick up someone in the library
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Randomize
