id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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