that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
