i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
