hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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