Moan for me like Helen Keller
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
