Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
