I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
