guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Randomize
