True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize