So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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