WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
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