getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
i believe in u and ur pee
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
