New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
