Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
