Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
