I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize