Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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