A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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