If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
