I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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