I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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