His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
