pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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