My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
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