Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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