You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
