I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
