Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I am midnight drunk by noon
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
