i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
